Why Do I Keep Attracting Human Dumpster Fires? (And How to Finally Break the Cycle for Good)

If I had a dollar for every time I found myself in a relationship thinking, But I can fix him, I'd be writing this from my beach house in Santorini, not hunched over my laptop with yesterday's mascara under my eyes.

For years, my love life has been like one long episode of Rescue 911, except I was the one dialing for help while simultaneously trying to perform CPR on relationships that had flatlined long ago. 

Spoiler alert: It never worked. Instead, I ended up in a pattern of attracting alcoholics, emotionally stunted man-children, and guys who treated self-destruction like it was their part-time hobby. And me? I was the ever-dedicated light in their darkness, holding a flashlight and a first-aid kit, trying to lead them to salvation.

What I didn't realize was that the person I actually needed to rescue was me.

So, let's talk about why we do this to ourselves and how to finally cut the cord on our inner Florence Nightingale.

The Attraction to the Wounded: A Love Story (Kind Of)

Somewhere along the way, I got it in my head that my love could heal people. That if I was patient enough, supportive enough, and forgiving enough, the person standing in front of me reeking of whiskey and bad decisions would suddenly become the partner I deserved.

Take my most recent project (let's call him Captain Jack Daniels). I loved him deeply. He was my best friend, my partner, my person. We shared laughs, dreams, and way too many late-night junk-food runs. But he also had this nasty habit of drowning his feelings in alcohol. And no matter how much I begged, cried, or tried to be his reason to get sober, he kept choosing the bottle over our relationship.

But I stayed. Oh, I stayed. Way past the expiration date, like sour milk I kept trying to convince myself was still fine. It's just a little chunky totally normal!

Because that's what I do I stay. I see the potential, not the reality. I cling to the good moments like they outweigh the pain. And every time he swore he'd change, I believed him. Because I thought if I left, he might self-destruct and it would somehow be my fault.

Sound familiar?

Why We are Wired Like This

If you're like me (bless your heart), your love life probably isn't just bad luck. It's patterned behavior likely rooted in childhood wounds.

Maybe you grew up in a home where love was inconsistent. Maybe you learned that to receive love, you had to work for it be the good girl/guy the peacemaker, the caretaker. Somewhere along the way, you got the message that your value came from what you could do for others, not simply from being yourself.

So, when a broken, wounded soul staggers into your life, your subconscious lights up like a Christmas tree. This is my chance to prove I'm worthy.

Cue the toxic dance:

They spiral, you save.

They apologize, you forgive.

Rinse, repeat until you're emotionally bankrupt.

But here's the thing: That's not love. That's trauma bonding with a side of codependency.

Relationships Are Mirrors (Sorry, But It's You Too)

I know, I know you're the nurturing one, the empath, the fixer. You see the good in people. But the uncomfortable truth is this: We attract partners who reflect the wounds we need to heal. (This reality still slaps me across the face, and is doing so as I type!) 

When I choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or drowning their feelings in a bottle, it is because I am emotionally unavailable to myself. I was so busy trying to heal them that I avoided facing the parts of me that were still broken.

Every relationship is and was holding up a mirror, showing me what I was avoiding:

Partners who chose alcohol over me? Reflecting my need to choose myself over people who don't value me.

Partners who needed saving? Highlighting my need to feel needed because I didn't believe I was enough on my own. 

Staying long past the expiration date? Showing my fear of abandonment and my belief that love is something you earn, not something freely given. (Or fearing I am too old to keep starting over!)

I realize that every toxic partner was actually a spotlight on my unhealed wounds, I stopped asking, Why do they treat me like this? and started asking, Why do I let them?

How to Break the Cycle (Without Moving to a Nunnery/Monastery)

So, how do we stop attracting emotionally constipated alcoholics and partners who treat us like their emotional life coach?

1. Admit You're Addicted to Potential

Newsflash: You're not dating someone's potential you're dating their reality. And if their reality involves vodka for breakfast and empty promises, that's the relationship. Not the fantasy in your head.

Every time you catch yourself saying, But I know they can change, remind yourself: That's not your job. You deserve love that exists in the present, not in some distant what if.

2. Reparent Your Inner Fixer

That part of you that needs to be needed? That's your inner child screaming, See me! Love me! I'll prove I'm worthy!

Time to give her/him, what she/he actually needs:

Tell them: You are loved because you exist. You don't have to fix anyone to be worthy.

Show her/him: Choose yourself every day. Walk away when someone disrespects you. Be your own safe place.

3. Learn to Love Boring

Healthy love can feel weird, even scary when you're used to chaos. (Trust me here, I am experiencing this) When someone texts back on time, communicates their feelings, and doesn't need an intervention every Friday night, you might mistake it for lack of passion.

Nope. That's just peace. And your nervous system isn't used to it. Let it recalibrate.

4. Set Boundaries Like a Boss

Love doesn't mean sacrificing your mental health. Learn to say:

No, I won't tolerate that.

I'm not responsible for fixing you.

I choose me! And mean it.

5. Create a Life You Love Solo

When your happiness doesn't depend on someone else, you stop settling for relationships that drain you. Find your joy outside of a partner:

Travel. (I did some major healing in 2020, while in Mexico)

Build your career. ( I always kick major ass when I remove what holds me back)

Ladies, take that pole dancing class (because why not?)

Men, hit the gym, go hiking...whatever it is that lifts you up

Get out and dance like no one is watching! (One of my favorite things)

The more you love your life, the less you'll tolerate anyone who disrupts your peace.

Final Truth Bomb

Healing is not about avoiding wounded people it's about becoming so whole within yourself that you no longer feel the need to fix them. You will attract what you are.

When you choose yourself fully you'll stop craving the broken and start attracting the whole.

So, to my fellow healers, fixers, and light-bringers: Turn some of that light inward. You deserve it. 

And remember: You are not the rehab center. You are the damn prize.

Choose accordingly.

With love (and a splash of sarcasm),

Jamie O.